I saw you on the swing. Were you watching me? Not in a creepy way.
It's my first day at work and I'm already nervous.
Welcome back, Miri Matteson. I don't remember you.
Because we only just met.
Oh, my God! Can you just get it into your big, stupid, married head
that this is not going to happen? Goodbye.
A bit higher. Like this? Yeah.
I can't believe I didn't realise. What?
Well, the caterpillar. Oh, God.
You need me. No, I don't. Yeah, you're lonely. No, I'm not.
Apparently, it's where some girl bludgeoned someone to death.
It's not the version I heard.
Apart from that, you're just like a normal person really.
I am a normal person.
Shit the bed!
Right. OK, I'll start. Oh, Mandy's going to start.
Miri, you're not taking it seriously... I am taking it serious.
You're taking it too seriously. I'm just going to start.
# Last night I was dreaming
# I was locked in a prison cell
# When I woke up, I was screaming
# Calling out your name. #
Let me guess. You spoke to Kathy.
She said we could wait and Elsie would be squeezed in.
Well, Kathy mainlines CBD oil so, if you want to wait, it's your life.
Next!
Hi. My name's Miri Matteson.
I haven't been here for ages but I need to re-register.
Your last visit was September 2000. Yeah.
That's a long time ago.
I'm, er...I'm very healthy.
Well, I need an updated ID and proof of address.
Er, I don't...I don't have anything at the moment.
Bank statement, home insurance?
I'm not on any of the bills. So you don't pay bills.
Oh, no. It's my parent's house.
I wish my parents paid for me.
It's not like that. Mobile bill.
I don't have a mobile.
How can you not have a mobile?
Look, I just need a doctor to look at my head.
Well, I just need a proof of residence. I live there.
Yes, I know, with Mummy and Daddy, who pay the bills
but I'm going to need a piece of paper that tells me that.
OK. So what if I've been away for a long time?
Where have you been? Somewhere.
Where? Does it matter? Look.
I have an infected cut on my head and I need to see a doctor.
Go to A&E.
No hospitals, I want to come here.
Well, then you're going to have to start being a big grown-up girl
that pays some bills now, aren't you?
Next!
I'm sorry. Also not sorry.
Oh, my God.
I got the ones round the back. I could re-use the Blu-Tack.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry. This, and the smashed window.
It's fine. I'm just waiting for some new glass so...I can't open.
The brick was meant for me.
It wasn't meant to ruin your new business.
Mm...I don't know. I'm sort of a murderer too.
I'm the pie shop destroyer, so we're both outsiders
and it could have been meant for both of us.
Yeah, I really doubt that.
Look, just go and have a nice day off.
When was the last time you did something nice, unprisony?
Go to the zoo or something.
Yeah. I don't want to go to the zoo, I want to work and I want to help.
Yeah, and you will, as soon as I've got a new window...
..and some customers again.
It's all good. Keep your chin up.
We can't let the bastards win, can we?
No. No! No. That's the spirit. High five.
Oop. Oh, sorry. Try again. You've got to concentrate.
I'll tell you what. Little tip, look at the elbow. OK.
Always works.
This could have cost me my job,
Janice, and my job is all I have right now.
Bullshit. You're one of the lucky ones.
One of the most privileged girls I've dealt with.
I'm getting shit sent to me, Janice.
Actual shit...in a box,
graffiti on the house,
and now somebody's putting these things all around town.
I know this is frustrating but take a step back.
A bit of prank poopy. Real poopy.
Ooh. Someone's got a new photocopier.
It's not like the victim's father's turned up at your work
and stabbed you in front of nine people with a sword,
which hasn't ever happened actually. Oh, Christ!
Your life post-prison is going really well.
You need to realise that and be grateful.
I deal with broken women all day long and YOU, you've got it all.
You just need to lower your expectations and get over yourself
a bit...in a nice way.
Oh.
You look like a rabbit. All right. Thanks.
Lara Boback. Here's a tip.
If you're going to kill someone, don't kill a copper's daughter.
Janice... I'm just saying. Argh, God.
I keep, um...
..I keep listening to this tape that we made the day before it happened.
Oh, my God. What?
You can't change what is done. It's done.
You can only change what you haven't done...yet.
Like right now.
What? Yeah? What? Look, I'm tired.
You know what? Take that tape, dash it in the bin. Boom.
And then go and do something nice with yourself.
Go to the zoo or something. I don't want to go to the zoo.
Why is everyone trying to make me go to the zoo?
Fine. Try Pilates.
No, actually, don't.
I did that one time for a whole year. Nothing changed.
And then I found out I hadn't been doing that thing
where you try and squeeze your bumhole shut
and then you suck your poom-poom up into it.
Oh. Right, and if anyone asks...
..we meet in my office. Yeah?
Yeah, but, like, we could meet in your office.
No, I like coming to your house.
Your biscuit game is strong.
Got any Jaffas?
Oh, Jesus. I thought you were your father.
Is he very frightening?
I didn't rinse the plates. Oh.
Yeah, and you've got to rinse them. Really rinse them. Saves energy.
But surely if you really, really rinse them, then you may as well
have washed them, so isn't it, like, more wasteful in the end?
Oh, God. Don't tell him. He'll implode.
Mum, do you want to do something today, like, you and me?
What? I don't know, like something, anything, together.
Why don't you see Mandy? She'd love to see you.
I don't want to see Mandy. Well, your father will be home soon.
No, I just...
..um, I want to spend some time together.
I've got too much to do, and Janice ate all the biscuits, so...
Billy! Oh, God. Get your coat, you're taking me on an adventure.
What now? Cunt. Yeah.
Cunt, cunt, cunt.
That's really distracting. Um, yes, right now. Piggy cunt.
Who's a little piggy cunt?!
It's actually very sweet cos she thinks that you're her aunt.
Yeah. She's not...she's not saying aunt but anyway it's...
Well, I'll get my keys.
See you out the front in a minute. Yeah. OK. Cool.
Over the fence with the cunt. Ah! Next door, cunt.
How old?
Oh, she's five.
Constantly sick. It's a nightmare.
I remember. Mm. Try not to breathe her in.
It goes so fast.
Everybody says that. Because it's true, I'm afraid.
Do you have grandkids?
Yes...yes, I do.
How many? My daughter has a boy and two girls.
Blissful chaos.
It must be lovely being a grandparent, you get all the fun
and half the work.
It's wonderful.
Oscar Matteson.
Oh, er...
Can't believe I haven't been here before. This is the best fun ever.
I love boats. Wow!
I used to want to be a sailor but I get so sick, both ends.
It is a nightmare. I was gutted.
I tried so many times.
No, it's just life, isn't it? Yeah. Yep.
What did you want to be when you were a kid?
Er, a vet, Jamie Oliver's wife, the Appleton sisters - desperately
but that didn't work out.
Oh, yes, I can see it. Oh, thank you. You're welcome.
I wanted to be a sailor, now I'm a gardener.
I thought were a carer. What?
For that really angry woman. Anna?
Yeah. No, no. I'm a carer too, most of the time, yeah,
but I'm a gardener as well, so it's both, varied.
Do you, er...?
Do you have a person, like a...
..a man friend, or a woman, someone that you're, um...?
No, I mean, I did once but he's married now.
He's got kids and stuff so... Oh.
Do you, er...
..do you still think about him?
Er, I mean no...but, yes.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I do.
How about you?
Oh, I... Well, I loved somebody once but they...
..they changed, so the love changed, too, which...
Well, it happens, I guess, doesn't it? Yeah. No, I get that.
BELL RINGS
Hey. Here's your chance. Yeah.
Boats! Thank you. Cheers. Right.
Let's raise our hands. Let's do this as it starts.
Yay! Oh. Yay! It's not doing...
Recon day two. Suspect boarding sail boat.
She's making a new friend.
I hope it goes better than last time.
Wahay! She seems to enjoy herself.
Side to side, everyone. Yes.
Chla-what? Chlamydia. Could be worse.
Like a urine infection?
Not quite.
Oh, but it hurts when I pee.
Yes, but it's an STD.
What, like syphilis? It's just chlamydia.
Symptoms can take a while to present,
some people self clear, others don't.
But you'll need to contact your sexual partners and inform them.
Partners?
I'm assuming you are with someone or more than one.
Good God, just one,
and we haven't, um...
..for a while. We...
Sure.
She probably planned it for months.
Now she's just working in the fish and chip shop.
Did you hear? She threw a brick at a group of people yesterday.
Yeah. Proper psycho.
And to think she's just walking around...
..not even tagged, free as a bird.
Terrifying.
So now I've got this and my verrucas to worry about.
God. They must get loads of verrucas in prison.
She's probably riddled with them.
I used to come here when I was a kid.
I thought you weren't from round here.
Oh, no. I mean, like places like this, like fairs and stuff. Oh.
Bet you were a nice kid.
Thank you. Yeah. You too. Oh.
Hey! Shall we go on this?
Oh, no. Er, sorry.
I'm terrified of giraffes, so... But they're not...
They're not real giraffes. They're very, very realistic.
They're not. Their necks are really short.
OK. It's a...
..it's so fast as well, isn't it? It's just kind of whoosh.
It's not. It's ridiculously slow.
Have a bash. I'll be there.
You'll be there. Yeah.
Urgh.
BELL RINGS
RINGING TONE
Sorry. Fucking nightmare.
The twins have been trying to put a hat on the dog.
It's like a fucking war zone in there. Are you free?
No, Dom. Listen. It's over. It's not happening again.
What? Oh, yeah. Sure. OK. No probs.
I don't want to be this person any more. I'm her mother.
Yeah. Fair enough.
But you'll just change your mind like you did the last time
and the last, last time. No, I will not. Goodbye, Dom.
Oh, come on. Let's just have a little...
..like a little goodbye fiddle, yeah? No.
Oh, my God. These are amazing!
Could I get...? I'm so sorry. No, no, it's all right. It's just...
I'm completely hogging them. ..I haven't had any. Oh, sorry.
I've never met anyone like you before. Oh.
I've never met anyone like you before, Billy,
you're a one-off. Well...
I don't want to break this moment but...
I really need to pee. Oh, God. So I'm...
Just go. Do it. Yeah, right. I'm going to go.
No. I'm just going to grab some of these.
Oh, that's very hygienic. Yeah.
Hello again.
We met on the beach the other day.
Oh. Oh, yeah. Yes. Sorry. Hi. Samuel. Miri. Hi. Hiya.
Um...Wednesday afternoon, amusement park.
Sorry. Who are you?
I'm an investigator, and I look for the truth
and I'm here to help YOU to tell YOUR truth
but, first, we need to solve your little problem.
Er, I am... I am with a friend right now.
I am not going to do this. I'm not doing this.
Why was Lara so angry with you the night she died? What?
Yes. She was angry at you, so full of rage. Why?
I'm sorry, can you...? I don't want to talk to you. Can you just...
Can you go? Can you just leave me alone, please?
You have a bite mark. No! No. It's on your shoulder, isn't it?
Oy, oy, oy! Get out of it, you little shit.
Go on. If you want to see tits, piss off to Margate.
I'll be in touch.
Huh!
Thank you.
Yeah, well, let's just, er...
..let's get out of here. I've got to pick up some meds for Anna.
Let's go via the supermarket, yeah?
Good. Come on. OK.
I'll just be two minutes. All right?
Oh, OK. OK. No, I'm fine. Yeah, yeah. Sure.
Oh. Miri, hi.
Oh, my God. Are you so desperate and lonely
that you've got to stalk me in a supermarket now?
I'm buying dinner for my family.
Wow, that's, um...very nutritious.
Yeah. Well, don't feel sorry for me because you're the one
that's all alone with, um, a really shit haircut.
Actually I'm on a date with a shit haircut, so...
Who with?
With my neighbour, Billy, yeah.
In fact, we just stopped here to buy us...some condoms.
Some condoms for all of the sexual...
..intercourse that we will be having.
Is he some kind of a true crime perv?
Sure.
Oh, Miri.
He doesn't know who you are, does he?
Do you know what? Just goodbye, Mandy.
Wait, wait. Wait!
I was at a wedding last year and this posh woman farted really loudly
and I got the most uncontrollable giggles and I looked at Mark
and there was nothing, not even a twinkle,
and I started to cry because I knew, I knew if you'd have been there,
then we would have pissed ourselves.
And I missed you.
So, yes. Yeah. You are right. I am desperate and I am lonely.
Me too. Me too.
And I didn't visit you in prison because I felt terrible.
If I'd have got to the cliff ten minutes earlier,
then maybe none of this would have happened.
Tell the truth.
You don't want to be with someone who doesn't know who you are.
Think about it. Hmm?
It's, er, it's two for one for pocket calculators.
Oh. Oh. Oh, no. Gosh.
No, no. This isn't what you, um...
I just...I don't mind. It's just...I don't.
I can't do that much. No, no. It's my parents... Oh.
My parents. They asked me to get them some condoms.
Your parents? They have... They...
Yeah. They're so old but that's a lot for them.
No, well, they do it. They just like to do it, yeah.
Wow. I never... I never hear them. They're really quiet.
And they're fast and, er, it's all over very quickly
but it's regular and, do you know what?
They can have a night off because they're old and they need a break.
Oh, I... Oh, God.
Here we are. I didn't need a piss at the, er...at the funfair.
Ah! I thought that was suspiciously quick. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Er, right. Well, I should head home
because Anna needs her meds and... Yeah. Yeah. Course.
I've had the best day, like a holiday from stuff, so thanks.
Oh. Er, well, we're back home now.
Yeah.
OK. Yeah. Goodbye. Yeah.
Bye. See you. Let's just... Sorry.
Oh, I did... No. Just...
Lovely, lovely day! Yeah.
Yeah, really nice. Bye-bye. OK.
Jesus Christ.
She told he she'd never do it again. What?
And I believed her. I just believed her.
Oh. Is this about the dishwasher again?
What's wrong with the dishwasher? Um, no. Nothing, nothing,
cos everyone always really, really rinses everything, so it's fine.
It always comes out in the end.
What does?
The truth.
Damn and blast it.
Urgh!
What's your name?
Billy. Do you do mojitos, Billy?
Yeah. There you go.
Mm! God, that's good.
Oh, how much do I owe you? No, no, no, it's on the house.
And I got these off a guy.
Oh.
What are they? They're the good stuff.
Mm.
Will I be myself again, Billy?
Yeah. DOORBELL RINGS
It's my husband! Hide! Hide! He has a fucking blunderbuss!
Oh, gosh, well, I'll have to fight him off.
Oh, hi. Billy, I need to tell you something.
Yeah. We can't...
We can't be friends unless you know the truth about me.
Me too. I need to, erm... I need to tell you something too. Oh, OK.
Yeah, and maybe it's... Maybe it's the same thing.
Well, I doubt that. Let's just say it like a scissors, paper, stone.
Oh, no. Christ, really? Let's just say it on the count of three.
No, no, mine is really big. It's really, really...
I'll say mine and then...and then you say yours.
But I'm telling you right now that mine is so much bigger
than yours unless, well, unless you...
We'll just do it after three. One, two, three.
I'm not Anna's carer. I killed that girl at the sound mirror.
It was me. I'm married to her.
Oh, my... What? You're... You're married to...to her?
Gosh! Oh.
But we had a little awkward hug and you bought me this...
HE SIGHS
I'm quite shocked, actually.
Help. What? You're...
So you're a psycho killer.
Billy. Oh, God! Somebody help me.
Look, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to hurt you.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Can you just calm down?
It's not like they said at all.
Oh, well, you... You didn't kill her?
No, erm... No, I...I did.
Stay away from me! Go on, fuck off!
Billy! Calm, Billy! This is excessive.
God, you killed someone! You're married!
Oh, fuck. Aw, bub-bab-bub-a!
Oh, I'm having a panic attack. Just...breathe...
Count to ten in your head, count to ten in your head.
A-one, one-two, one-two-three.
Wa-haaa! HE GROANS
Oh, God. I'm going to... Na-na-na-haa.
I'm sorry.
But you would have found out and I wouldn't have been able to
tell you the truth myself, and that would have been so much worse.
It's just...
It's not what you think.
She was...she was crazy angry with me and she bit me
and I didn't...I didn't know why...
And, erm... Though I just like...
I just pushed her back...
..and it was an accident.
But the person who you were with today...
..that...that was me. That is who I am.
That is me.
Thank you.
Thank you for telling me. That was...that was really brave.
Can I help...? No, it's just... KNOCK ON WINDOW
Ah, for... Leave my husband alone.
Oh, great. You murderess.
Oh, you're a murderess, you'll stop at nothing.
They should never have let you out. You better go. OK.
Don't tell me you thought he wasn't married, I heard you.
DOOR CLOSES
Hello.
Oh, blast. I forgot the butter.
What did the doctor say?
An infection.
Oh, did they give you antibiotics?
HE SIGHS
What's wrong, darling?
A shipping container full of rubber ducks
has sunk off the coast of the Isle of Wight.
Oh, dear.
More plastic in the ocean, contaminating everything,
fucking everything up, and for what?
What good did a rubber duck ever do?
Miri used to love them in the bath. It's all for nothing.
I...I hate the waste.
Are you OK?
Fine. I'll go and get the butter.
SWITCH CLICKS Right, OK, I'll start.
Oh, Mandy's going to start.
Miri, you're not taking it seriously. I am taking it serious.
You're taking it too seriously, I'm just going to start.
SWITCH CLICKS
Right, OK, now just Lara. OK, fine.
# Some day, I believe it you will come to my rescue...
ALL: # Unchain my heart you're keeping
# And let me start anew, ooh
# Hours pass so slowly since they've thrown away the key
# Away the key
# Can't you see that I'm lonely?
# Won't you help me, please... #
Lara! Wait! Shh, my dad's back! Hide the cigarettes!
Hi, Dad! Hi, Mr Boback!
Remember me? I was in prison.
It's a letter from my probation officer, with my address.
I want an appointment, now.
We've actually got an appointment available in about an hour.
Great, I'll wait.
She was here yesterday so sort her out too.
I'll...I'll make sure she's seen. Yeah, you will.